The Breakfast of Champions

People Who Fucking Love Cheerios:

- Babies
- My Dog
- Me

And just like toddlers and my dog, I eat them dry, out of a bowl, with my fingers. Not that my dog has fingers, but you get the point.

For Everything Else, There's MasterCard

Looking Like a Beached Whale in Pictures: Soul Crushing
2 Weeks of Ass Whipping at Runyon: Muscle Crushing
2 Weeks of Dieting: Stomach Crushing
Getting on the Scale and Seeing You Lost No Weight: Resolve Crushing
Realizing Your Scale is Broken and You've Really Lost 10 Pounds: Priceless

Overheard in the Melrose Starbucks

"She was really young. And also really chubby. Bad combo. These pictures these girls take online? Man, I saw this one... I have nothing bad to say about large girls. You know what? You might be too sophisticated for her type. Bottom line. You just might be too darn sophisticated. It's not her fault. It's like, the same people who tell me how good they are in bed? They just aren't. Man, my head."

Wouldn't It Be Nice

If the men in LA weren't all gay or taken? Starbucks is killing me today! I'd say I should just get away from Melrose Ave and head to another part of the city, but there's no point in doing so; still gay, or still taken, from Santa Monica to Silver Lake. Fuck.

I Love Lamp

San Diego has got to be one of the - if not the - most beautiful places on earth. Especially La Jolla, which is a place that should only exist in the back lots of Warner Brothers and such. Where the hell else can you frolic in caves on the beaches, with seals on one side of the beach, and warm weather penguins on the other? To say we didn't want to go back to LA would be one hell of an understatement.

Go fuck yourselves, happy couple (but enjoy the scenery while you're at it!)

We were so relaxed (lots of weed and lots of beaches will do that to a person) and happy and carefree. We wandered around the beaches, we went to an Indian Festival in Balboa Park, we wandered into an Afro-Cuban dance class and had fun kicking our out-of-shape asses AND making fun of each other for making fools of ourselves, and it was pure perfection. Pure bliss. Pure happiness.

Of course then we got back to LA. Look at the difference between the serenity of San Diego, and the madness of what happened at Lucky Strike in Hollywood:

You've got a little crack under your nose, guys.

How were we not kicked out? I guess it's cause we're professional backup dancers on tour. Such is the life of a Hollywood celebrity.

California Here We Come (Right Back Where We Started From)

I do need to catch you all up on the things that happened before I left for California: namely, teaching sex ed to 13-15 year olds, and having my car towed and nearly witnessing a shoot out in the process, deep in the ghettos of... Newton?

But for now, I'm back in Los Angeles, and things are already back to business as usual. As of this morning, I've already:

- had my favorite turkey bacon BLT from Toast
- been molested by Andrea
- got a sunburn
- went shopping on Melrose
- tripped over Adrian Grenier when he jumped out of his car too quickly and almost took the both of us out

It's good to be back.