I Don't Want to be the "I" in First

So the other night at dinner, Jen and I were discussing the idea of first person narratives. We'd been chatting with some other writer friends earlier in the week, discussing third person vs. first person, and how everyone generally felt more comfortable writing in the third person. There's something strangely bizarre about writing in first person, because, when writing fiction, you're not actually writing about yourself. My writing jumps around all over the place, from childhood nostalgia to bitter drunken rantings to softcore pornography that would make lots of money on Cinemax Late Night and really, no matter what my topic or audience, first person just doesn't sit well with me.

Whether you're writing horror "My spine was ripped out from my mouth", suspense "I can't believe it's not butter!", gritty noir detective novels "I threw the body into the trunk but it was too big, so I kept slamming the trunk hood onto the guy's head to squish him in properly", happy fluff "I skipped down the bustling street, the sky a cotton candy pink above my head", or porn "I touch your cock, okay?" it just doesn't mesh.

Now, to be fair to first person, I also strongly dislike Second Person, because it's giving me the distinct feeling of being told what to do and/or being unnecessarily scolded for something I'm pretty sure I didn't do: "You went up to the cliff and threw yourself over the edge for being a cheating bastard" (I did what now?) / "You are the incarnation of evil" (but why?) It also gets really weird if the story's dark or depressing or sexual at all in nature: "You bent over and took it like the whore you are" (whoa whoa whoa, are we taking doggy style or buttsex, cause I draw the line somewhere, buddy) because it's almost like you're being told you personally are doing these bizarre things, and it makes you feel oddly squirmy inside. Which, I suppose, is the entire point of second person anyway, because (save for one extremely awkward story someone wrote in one of my fiction classes in college) they're all "modern and edgy" so of course they want to make you squirm. Yeah yeah, I get it. But still.

Yet I still prefer second person to first person. (As I write in first person, but my blog is a blog, not fiction, so yes I am actually writing about my own life, no matter how psychotic and unstable it sometimes seems.) I think another of my fears of writing in the first person is that I'll somehow contract Stephanie Meyeritis and everyone will think my writing is my own sick, twisted fantasy. I guess it's not too much of a stretch, I have always wanted to be a codependent, depressed, can't-function-without-my-male-boyfriend, sex-starved, vampire baby having, sparkly vampire lusting, terrible role model to girls of all ages. I just can't help it.